Seriously, fuck this cold virus that is going around

Screw you, cold virus! You’re garbage.

It is bad enough getting a cold – what with all the aches, pains, coughing, and gross phlegm – but really, what kind of a jerk virus decides that the best time to spread to everyone is around the holidays? An asshole virus. That’s who.

The weekend before Christmas, I woke up with an awful sore throat and wasn’t even able to speak. While this made the wife happy (oh, married jokes), I knew that this was something that I was not going to get rid of quickly.

I did all the crap you are supposed to do when you get a cold: drink plenty of fluids, get some rest, zinc, vitamin C, hot tea and honey, neti pot, etc. I also ate garlic on a consistent basis.  Yes, I chomped down whole cloves of garlic.  Sure, this made sure that no vampires attacked me – but, because my cold is a douchebag, it just got worse.  And, lucky me, right in time for Christmas!

Oh the joy it was, opening presents Christmas morning in between blowing loads of snot into toilet paper (I was out of Kleenex) and coughing up loads of green shit. It was like it was straight out of a Dickens novel or Lifetime movie.

Then there have been the aches, pains, loss of sleep, and the lost 15 minutes it took for the pharmacist to sell me Mucinex.  Oh sure, you can get your pills, but first let’s swipe that ID and have you sign an oath that you are not going to immediately turn into Walter White with this one box of 12 pills.

Now, after having this dumb virus for about 10 days I am feeling a bit better.  But, I still have some of the symptoms sticking around because, apparently, this jerk cold virus wants to take away the joy of ringing in the new year too.

If you have come down with this thing, I feel your pain and hope you get better soon.  If you have not come down with it, you are clearly a witch or something and I would recommend washing your hands every 3 minutes, wearing a face mask, and living in a bubble for the next 4 months to make sure you don’t get it too.