It’s now only a few hours until they draw the numbers for the Mega Millions and, after a lifetime of lottery disappointment, I’m feeling pretty good about the quick pick numbers the nice lady at the Circle K printed out for me this afternoon. Anyway, thanks for everything, but, and I’m sure you’ll understand, it’s just going to be tough to blog after tonight – what with me spending all of my time swimming in coins, you know, the way the filthy rich do.
Oh, don’t get me wrong, I know you bought your Mega Millions tickets too and I will be pulling for you to get the five numbers and not the mega or whatever is the next best thing to winning it all – that way, you and I can join Bighorn Golf Club together and drive the people who come from old, inherited wealth crazy.
I’m thinking something like this:
I’ll also cut you a deal on season tickets to whatever professional sports franchise I decide to buy because billionaires can do that kind of thing and you have always been cool and so you deserve some good seats at a nice price and, hey, next week, your beers at La Quinta Brewing’s Oktoberfest are on me.
Sadly, I won’t be able to hang with your millionaire ass all the time, because I’m a billionaire and, well, we are busy actually running the country with our Super PACS and conferences we hold for no other reason to have politicians kiss our ass.
Our time together has been great and I will miss it. Don’t let the money change you. It’ll probably change me, but then I’ll be a billionaire so I won’t care what anyone thinks about me anymore because I swim daily in gold coins!
Seriously though, good luck tonight. No one (other than me) deserves to win this thing more than you.
Update: Nevermind.
