This Election Day, there is no need to wait around until after polls close (8pm) to find out what happens – as all of these predictions are guaranteed to come true (though probably not).
1) Raul Ruiz will miss his election party
Yup, the poor guy won’t be around his supporters tonight after being stuck in coach on an airplane all day, only later to discover that his shitty car won’t start.
2) One random guy will decide every election
You will not be voting today. No one you know will be voting today. In fact, no one at all will be voting today – so the whole election will be decided by a guy named Darryl, who mistakingly cast a ballot thinking it was a SuperLotto form.
3) Jeff Stone will lose the election, but gain a lucrative endorsement
Fake badges will become the biggest Christmas gift of the year (I mean come on, flash it and get people to move the hell out of your way…awesome!). Jeff Stone will use his newfound popularity (due to the 15 million commercials that aired about this stupid story) to sign a million dollar endorsement deal to promote a popular line of fake badges.
4) Republicans will win The Senate
The GOP will take over The Senate. And while this will give the local country club crowd their first non-Viagra boner in decades, Republicans will proceed to do a lot of shit that irritates people – leading to a Democratic takeover in 2016. The Democrats will then proceed to do a lot of shit that irritates people…and the cycle will continue on and on and on.
5) Your friends will “vote shame” you on Facebook all fucking day
“You can’t complain if you do not vote” will be written by a lot of liars who did not actually vote but like to use every opportunity to post how superior they are to everyone else.
6) Bonnie Garcia will find a great Black Friday deal and finally replace that old computer
I mean what the hell? Is that machine in the background an Apple 2e?
7) The local media will spend a ton of time , resources, and effort bringing you live election returns…
…but no one will see it because Netflix is way better.